Saying goodbyes again

I only have about a month and a week left at BYU-Idaho, and my heart is full.

For the past month, I've been so focused on passing my classes, finishing my senior project and just progressing toward graduation, that it hadn't really hit me yet: I'm leaving. This little town that has become my home for the past two years will soon be a memory of my past. I love this place so much. I know every little nook and cranny. I know where to walk, where to drive, where to eat, where to go if I'm happy, where to go if I'm sad.

This place has been there for me through breakups, stressful classes and roommate troubles. When my parents sold my childhood home so they could go on a mission, Rexburg made it easier on me because I had already grown to see it as my new home. Now I'm leaving this home and heading toward a new adventure, but it will always hold a place in my heart.

Some might look at this little school in Rexburg, Idaho, and think that maybe it's not as good as bigger universities, but I'll tell you... I don't think there is a single university that is as wired toward student success than BYU-Idaho. And there are people with bigger, grander spirits here than I've seen anywhere else.
Most students here are motivated and career-minded. They're also kind and will help anyone in need. Most of the teachers here will get to know all their students by name, and they'll do it every semester. Most teachers grow to respect and love their students, and are willing to go out of their way to help their students succeed.

There are teachers like Ron Bennett (now retired), who many students came to see as their third grandfather: a warm, loving man who offers encouragement to every student he teaches. There are teachers like Eric Lybbert, who makes his students laugh daily with his vivacious personality. There are teachers like Brent Bean, who helps you see that the positive parts of life always outweigh the negative. There are teachers like Caryn Esplin, who pays attention as if you're the only student in the world when she talks to you. And there are teachers like Lane Williams, who makes you feel like you can do anything you put your mind to and who inspires you to become a better person.

Today, I met with my academic mentor for the last time. Over the past two years, he has given me advice and helped me decide which classes to take. Every time we talked, we had an engaging conversation about things that matter, spiritually and temporally. Today he said: "I'm proud of you, Katie, you're one of my favorite students I've taught."

After I left his office, I cried. They were tears of honor, gratitude and a little sadness. Sadness because it had finally hit me that I'm leaving. But wherever I go, I will never forget this little safe haven, this little bubble away from the world where I've lived for two years. I will always look back on these years as some of the best years of my life: my two years in Rexburg.

Let's talk about depression

People don't talk about depression much do they? There are those ads you see on tv for depression medicines that show a person looking sad. But its so much more complicated than that.
And some people assume you can just take some 'meds' and be done with it, but its more complicated than that too. There are a few types of depression. There is manic depression which is a constant battle and must be treated because it can be life threatening. There is clinical depression which is diagnosed as something wrong in your brain that affects your ability to produce happy chemicals, therefore making you sad. Then their is familial depression. It is characterized by  recurring bursts of depression, called depressive episodes. This type of depression is passed down genetically and can be mild or severe depending on the person.
Much of the time, someone with familial depression feels just as happy as the average person, but sometimes that person has a depressive episode. Maybe it lasts a week, maybe it lasts for months.
Sometimes the episode means sleeping a lot and losing motivation. Sometimes it means crying for no reason and not being able to handle things you could normally handle. Sometimes it means wishing you were dead.
Someone with depression has to learn to control themselves, control their outlook. Its so easy to become hopeless, but you've got to stop yourself. Sometimes it feels like an uphill battle, a battle against this dark part of yourself. You don't want to admit that dark side is there because you're scared of being weak and feeling out of control. But sometimes you have to face that dark side in order to silence it.
Sometimes you have to just lie in bed and listen to Elvis for an hour or have a whole bar of gourmet chocolate. Sometimes, for the depression to pass, you have to feel the hurt, embrace the sadness, let yourself feel crappy. But its so hard to keep that within bounds sometimes. Its so hard to stay balanced when its late and you feel completely alone. Its hard when you feel that no one understands how you feel and when everyone still treats you bad even when you're clearly so close to breaking.
And its hard to be seen as a freak or a crazy person or to have people assume you are menstruating just because you are sad.
When these things happen and someone is trying to fight off a depressive episode, it helps to focus on the small things in life, like a compliment someone gave you today or some really hearty soup. Maybe its playing a video game or maybe its listening to Elvis, but you've got to find a way to fight. This life is so worth living, no matter how hard it is, and I believe that our natural drives to succeed and to overcome can be more powerful than our emotions. Sometimes it feels that our emotions control us, but in response to that, I will quote some good advice I received today:
"Katie, is anyone holding your face and stopping you from smiling? Only yourself. So do the world a favor and smile a beautiful smile."
So I will. Despite my circumstances, despite my flawed brain, despite my inner darkness, I will smile. I will smile to show everything that I will come out conqueror. I will smile to show my feelings that they don't control me. I will smile to show the world that I'm a winner, and I will win this.

Coloring the world

Out of all the blessings God has given us, my favorite is color. I've always feared becoming handicapped, but being blind is my biggest fear. I don't ever want to stop appreciating the beauty God has placed in this world for us. I pity color blind people, and I don't understand how things must look to them.

How could you explain color to someone? If I had to try, I would say: well, its this variety that is pleasing to behold. Everything is different, and its only different because it reflects different wavelengths of light. It's a miracle, yet its considered normal. No one stops and considers color. Of course there are some in history who did.

There is a reason Van Gogh is my favorite artist. His style isn't that classic realistic type of art, but he stuns me with his use of color. He sees the world not in shapes and colors, but in emotions. He sees the turqoise and yellow passion erupting among the stars, where others only see little dots. He sees the purple and green glow among the clumps of gray scenery. I like to look at the world like that when I can. I thrive on the beauty of the people around me: the beautifully desperate defeat in one man's eyes, the grin on a girl's face as she has eyes only from the latest text from her boyfriend, the bright wild eyes of a person having an ah-hah moment.

Life is so luscious, so attractive, so delicious. Besides being show to see color, all of our senses are gifts from God. Food that is simply fuel can be so enjoyable because of taste. Hitting a stick against a drum can be so pleasing to one's ears because of rhythm. Simple cotton sheets can feel so pleasing after a hot shower. Life is just full of these lovely, lively experiences.

So stop and smell the roses, and feast your eyes on them, and feel them. Wear that bright purple T-shirt, put on that bright red lipstick, wear two bright colors together. Who cares? Colors are meant to be fun. They can bring laughter and love. Why focus on the pain in life when beauty is all around us? We only have to open our eyes.

A Tribute to the Gentlemen

Every woman deserves a man who will open the car door for her without a reminder. A man who will cuddle, not for sex or kisses, but just to show love. A man who doesn't care what a date consists of as long as he gets to spend time with his love. A man who takes a woman's emotions seriously without asking if it's that time of the month. And when it is that time, he simply offers chocolate and a shoulder to cry on.

And every man deserves a woman who will rub his back after a long day. A woman who will laugh off his road rage or his grumpiness after a long day. A woman who doesn't nag her man but encourages and builds him so he knows he can be better without her saying it. A woman who will not withhold kisses and laughter, one who is patient with his shortcomings.

If you've found someone like that, please hold on to them. Don't nitpick at your love until you begin to doubt yourself. Realize their flaws and decide if you can live with those flaws or not. If you can, hold on to your love. Letting that love go will be your biggest mistake and your greatest regret. Because it's not about the perfect person; it's about someone who will love all of you, strengths and weaknesses and all.

The Haunted Dream

Hopeless. Helpless. Hurt. In Hell. Can't sleep. Memories. Stop! Unwanted memories. Always coming, never ceasing. Abandoned. Betrayed.
Waiting. When, light, when? Never again.
Still waiting. Where, light, where? Nowhere then.
Tears? Can't stop. Stinging. Ringing. Headache.
More than night. Dark. Can't sleep.

Sleep comes. Dreams haunt. See you there.
Helpless flailing arms.
Jello water. Slowing down.
Your face there. Now here. I shrink. Your touch hurts still.
Worry. Run!
Must escape.
Must forget.
Can't forget. Flashbacks. Pain. Heart-pain. Brain-pain.
Locked away. Hidden deep. Not treasure chest, memory chest. Hurts.
Must escape.
Must forget.
No escape.

Sunrise: sunrays through window.

Alarm clock.

No more dream. Awake.

An escape.

To come off conqueror

The poet Mary Oliver concludes her poem "The Summer Day" by asking, "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

I plan to do what I've always done: live to love and love to live. I will write until life leaves my fingers, and I will love until my heart no longer beats. I will wake up every day grateful for the rising sun and ready to take life by the throat and conquer it. I will be happy in the moment, and when my moments offer no happiness, I will look forward to the next moment and remember past joys. I will keep running from the pain and embracing the comfort. And on days when I'm too weak to keep up the fight, I will turn to my everlasting Father and my Savior, who makes my burden light.

 

Every moment will be filled with beauty. Whether the bright beauty of happy moments or the dark beauty of heartbreak, life's beauty will never cease to inspire me. Every moment, life will breathe inspiration into me, and I will never stop loving it. I will love every sunray, snowstorm, thundercloud and rain puddle. I will swim in lakes and run across beaches, hike mountains and roll down hills, pray to the Creator of these things and love Him every second. People, ideas and feelings will tear at me, trying to pull me down, but He will always pull me back up. I will remain what I am and always have been: a writer, a lover and a conqueror.

What has He done for me?

Every time I've had a bad break up, my parents have always reminded me to avoid looking back too much. Sometimes you can stare so hard at the closed door, you don't notice the one that opens next to it. My dad has told me to not look at it as a loss but as a positive change, as growth on my part.

Despite the many times I've heard this, I've only recently begun to take it to heart. It's so easy to view change as loss or as a trial. But in reality, change is often exactly what we need. Sometimes change offers that little push we need to fulfill that dream or to take on a new task. Sometimes change is the reason we need to eradicate a poisonous presence from our lives.

I think of one of my favorite movies, called "Waitress." It's about the wife of an abusive husband who finds out she is pregnant. Throughout the pregnancy, she feels nothing but resentment towards her baby because she thinks she will now never have the chance to get away from her husband and her hopeless, small-town life. After giving birth, she looks at her baby. You can see her demeanor change immediately as she whispers, "Oh God." Her husband starts to say something, and she looks up with new-found strength that she's never shown before, and it makes you shiver. She tells her husband to get away from her baby because she hasn't loved him for years and wants a divorce. Her husband goes to hit her and is escorted out by doctors. You watch her face and see she cares for nothing but her little baby. That little miraculous change gave her the strength to make the changes she wanted so badly but couldn't make before. I've never wanted children more than when I saw that movie, but that's not the point.

The point is: we may fight and resent change all we want, but that day will come when you look in the mirror and see what miraculous change has been brought about by that thing you thought was a trial, and you give thanks for the broken road that got you to this point.

That moment happened for me near the end of my study abroad trip. Something reminded me of a conversation I had had with an ex-boyfriend. This abusive boyfriend was my tormentor for 2 years of my teenage life. A year into our relationship, I told him about a Europe choir trip I wanted to do. I wanted to go so badly.

"You won't go to Europe," he said.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"You don't have it in you. I just can't see you travelling anywhere, going anywhere."

I told myself I wouldn't let him change my mind, but my drive was already broken. That boy who controlled every part of my life had just told me I would not go to Europe, and I believed him. But somewhere deep inside me, that dream lived on, and I knew deep down that I would fulfill that dream someday, despite him. Throughout our relationship, he tore down any and all dreams I had until I was an empty shell, devoid of any love for life. When I was finally free of this tormentor, I slowly built my drive back up again. I began to dream once more. I dreamed of going to DC, to Europe, and beyond. I dreamed of visiting London and seeing castles in Ireland.

I saved up money for some trip though I did not know when the time would come or how it would present itself. A year ago, I saw an ad on the BYU-I website for the English Study Abroad tour to the United Kingdom and Ireland. I knew this was my ticket. I applied, got in and began to prepare. Fast forward a year later. I looked out the bus window at the British countryside. I was there. That's when I recalled that conversation with the tormentor, and I realized: I've done it.

"You won't go to Europe," I heard him say in the back of my memory.
"Ah, but I did," I answered, silencing him. Tears pricked my eyes as I realized this trip was the final step in annihilating any remainder of that experience that had been left in me. I exorcised the last ghost of my past that had been haunting me when I accomplished my dream in spite of him.

But who am I to take credit for this accomplishment? I remember right after I had broken up with that boy and had been abandoned in my pain. I prayed and accused God of abandoning me like that boyfriend had.

"Where are you?!" I cried at the silence. But the silence was broken. I opened my scripture to John, and one verse was literally illuminated by an unearthly light. It said, "I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you." And He did come to me. God wrapped me in his light and warmth, and God overcame my pain and regret. He healed me from the inside out, and he gave me many experiences to help me move on. He sent me to DC, and then, he sent me to Ireland, where I felt such peace I have never felt before. God has done everything for me that I have ever needed, and I will never stop trusting Him and His will for me.

Throughout these experiences, I've learned that nothing is out of God's reach and nothing is greater than Christ's atoning power. In that scene in the Waitress, I compare it to that day when I looked upon God and found the strength I needed to change. That woman had loved her baby so strongly, she found the strength to overcome the darkness in her life. Similarly, that day when God started healing me, I looked upon Him and felt a love stronger than anything I've ever known. I found this desire to serve Him always and work as hard as I could to be worthy to spend eternity in His presence. Though I lose sight sometimes of the important things, my knowledge of the living God's presence has never wavered  I've never doubted His love and perfect plans for me, and I've never stopped loving Him. I will never stop loving my Lord, and I will never love anyone more than Him. If all I can do to show this love to Him is live my life, then I just pray that I can live the best life I can.