Saying goodbyes again

I only have about a month and a week left at BYU-Idaho, and my heart is full.

For the past month, I've been so focused on passing my classes, finishing my senior project and just progressing toward graduation, that it hadn't really hit me yet: I'm leaving. This little town that has become my home for the past two years will soon be a memory of my past. I love this place so much. I know every little nook and cranny. I know where to walk, where to drive, where to eat, where to go if I'm happy, where to go if I'm sad.

This place has been there for me through breakups, stressful classes and roommate troubles. When my parents sold my childhood home so they could go on a mission, Rexburg made it easier on me because I had already grown to see it as my new home. Now I'm leaving this home and heading toward a new adventure, but it will always hold a place in my heart.

Some might look at this little school in Rexburg, Idaho, and think that maybe it's not as good as bigger universities, but I'll tell you... I don't think there is a single university that is as wired toward student success than BYU-Idaho. And there are people with bigger, grander spirits here than I've seen anywhere else.
Most students here are motivated and career-minded. They're also kind and will help anyone in need. Most of the teachers here will get to know all their students by name, and they'll do it every semester. Most teachers grow to respect and love their students, and are willing to go out of their way to help their students succeed.

There are teachers like Ron Bennett (now retired), who many students came to see as their third grandfather: a warm, loving man who offers encouragement to every student he teaches. There are teachers like Eric Lybbert, who makes his students laugh daily with his vivacious personality. There are teachers like Brent Bean, who helps you see that the positive parts of life always outweigh the negative. There are teachers like Caryn Esplin, who pays attention as if you're the only student in the world when she talks to you. And there are teachers like Lane Williams, who makes you feel like you can do anything you put your mind to and who inspires you to become a better person.

Today, I met with my academic mentor for the last time. Over the past two years, he has given me advice and helped me decide which classes to take. Every time we talked, we had an engaging conversation about things that matter, spiritually and temporally. Today he said: "I'm proud of you, Katie, you're one of my favorite students I've taught."

After I left his office, I cried. They were tears of honor, gratitude and a little sadness. Sadness because it had finally hit me that I'm leaving. But wherever I go, I will never forget this little safe haven, this little bubble away from the world where I've lived for two years. I will always look back on these years as some of the best years of my life: my two years in Rexburg.

Let's talk about depression

People don't talk about depression much do they? There are those ads you see on tv for depression medicines that show a person looking sad. But its so much more complicated than that.
And some people assume you can just take some 'meds' and be done with it, but its more complicated than that too. There are a few types of depression. There is manic depression which is a constant battle and must be treated because it can be life threatening. There is clinical depression which is diagnosed as something wrong in your brain that affects your ability to produce happy chemicals, therefore making you sad. Then their is familial depression. It is characterized by  recurring bursts of depression, called depressive episodes. This type of depression is passed down genetically and can be mild or severe depending on the person.
Much of the time, someone with familial depression feels just as happy as the average person, but sometimes that person has a depressive episode. Maybe it lasts a week, maybe it lasts for months.
Sometimes the episode means sleeping a lot and losing motivation. Sometimes it means crying for no reason and not being able to handle things you could normally handle. Sometimes it means wishing you were dead.
Someone with depression has to learn to control themselves, control their outlook. Its so easy to become hopeless, but you've got to stop yourself. Sometimes it feels like an uphill battle, a battle against this dark part of yourself. You don't want to admit that dark side is there because you're scared of being weak and feeling out of control. But sometimes you have to face that dark side in order to silence it.
Sometimes you have to just lie in bed and listen to Elvis for an hour or have a whole bar of gourmet chocolate. Sometimes, for the depression to pass, you have to feel the hurt, embrace the sadness, let yourself feel crappy. But its so hard to keep that within bounds sometimes. Its so hard to stay balanced when its late and you feel completely alone. Its hard when you feel that no one understands how you feel and when everyone still treats you bad even when you're clearly so close to breaking.
And its hard to be seen as a freak or a crazy person or to have people assume you are menstruating just because you are sad.
When these things happen and someone is trying to fight off a depressive episode, it helps to focus on the small things in life, like a compliment someone gave you today or some really hearty soup. Maybe its playing a video game or maybe its listening to Elvis, but you've got to find a way to fight. This life is so worth living, no matter how hard it is, and I believe that our natural drives to succeed and to overcome can be more powerful than our emotions. Sometimes it feels that our emotions control us, but in response to that, I will quote some good advice I received today:
"Katie, is anyone holding your face and stopping you from smiling? Only yourself. So do the world a favor and smile a beautiful smile."
So I will. Despite my circumstances, despite my flawed brain, despite my inner darkness, I will smile. I will smile to show everything that I will come out conqueror. I will smile to show my feelings that they don't control me. I will smile to show the world that I'm a winner, and I will win this.

Coloring the world

Out of all the blessings God has given us, my favorite is color. I've always feared becoming handicapped, but being blind is my biggest fear. I don't ever want to stop appreciating the beauty God has placed in this world for us. I pity color blind people, and I don't understand how things must look to them.

How could you explain color to someone? If I had to try, I would say: well, its this variety that is pleasing to behold. Everything is different, and its only different because it reflects different wavelengths of light. It's a miracle, yet its considered normal. No one stops and considers color. Of course there are some in history who did.

There is a reason Van Gogh is my favorite artist. His style isn't that classic realistic type of art, but he stuns me with his use of color. He sees the world not in shapes and colors, but in emotions. He sees the turqoise and yellow passion erupting among the stars, where others only see little dots. He sees the purple and green glow among the clumps of gray scenery. I like to look at the world like that when I can. I thrive on the beauty of the people around me: the beautifully desperate defeat in one man's eyes, the grin on a girl's face as she has eyes only from the latest text from her boyfriend, the bright wild eyes of a person having an ah-hah moment.

Life is so luscious, so attractive, so delicious. Besides being show to see color, all of our senses are gifts from God. Food that is simply fuel can be so enjoyable because of taste. Hitting a stick against a drum can be so pleasing to one's ears because of rhythm. Simple cotton sheets can feel so pleasing after a hot shower. Life is just full of these lovely, lively experiences.

So stop and smell the roses, and feast your eyes on them, and feel them. Wear that bright purple T-shirt, put on that bright red lipstick, wear two bright colors together. Who cares? Colors are meant to be fun. They can bring laughter and love. Why focus on the pain in life when beauty is all around us? We only have to open our eyes.