Finding forgiveness

After 18 years on this Earth, I have learned that things are never as bad as they seem. Sure, it's easy for me to forget that sometimes, but I eventually always remember it. I also sometimes forget how freeing forgiveness is, but I often remember and experience it. Forgiving someone is usually easier if they are sorry.
The hardest people to forgive are 1. people closest to you, 2. people who don't deserve forgiveness, and 3. people who are not sorry. I have had issues with all three, especially no.1 lately, but I have found forgiveness in my heart for all of them, and I am grateful.
It releases such a burden to forgive someone. You free themselves and yourself. Even if they never know how deeply they hurt you or how hard it was to forgive them, the healing powers of forgiveness will work hard on your heart, and with time you will forget.
It's also important to forgive ourselves for mistakes and for being hurt and upset by other people. Forgiveness in itself is vital for anyone who wants to be happy in this life.Happiness is simply unattainable without forgiveness and love.
I don't have much more else to say except that I hope we - myself especially- can all forgive because if we cannot forgive others, the Lord cannot forgive us. Also because without forgiveness, we tend to dwell on the negative aspects of life and cannot see the positive ones. We focus too much on the dirt on the ground and not enough on the flowers growing in that dirt.

I love you, and so I let you go. I set you free to go your way. I know it is time for us to go seperate ways and move on to greater things. God has better things planned for you and I, and he is going to bless us with comfort, happiness, and peace for doing His will. I have faith in Him and in you. Don't lose faith in yourself, but if you do, you can borrow some of mine because I will never lose faith in you. As I cut the ropes holding you down, tying you to me, I let you go. You are free to soar, to fly higher to greater things.
I wish you peace, joy, and success. I send my prayers and thoughts with you, and I hope for you to overcome your weaknesses and do as God says in the scriptures: to come to Him with your weaknesses and let Him turn them into strengths. I have enjoyed spending time with you, and watching you grow. I know God is pleased with your efforts, and He will bless you for trying. Do all that you can and then turn it over to God and let Him do the rest. And never give up. May God be with you always. Amen.

Insignificance.

The aftershock has set in, and I've lost all motivation. I don't feel like eating, drinking or getting dressed. I am trying really hard to convince myself to go for the jog I know I need this morning, but I'm not sure it's going to work. If I don't jog, hopefully I can convince myself to take a shower.
I feel awful. My eyes are swollen and I feel dizzy. Everytime I stand up, I almost fall over. And don't even get me started on homework. I can't find the motivation to do any of it.
Ugh... still ugh. I'm trying to figure out why I'm a target for crap like this. Maybe every girl is a target for heartache. Except for whores. They probably never get heartbroken because they use their bodies to keep guys around. I'm not like that. Why do I get punished for not being like that? Why are there negative consequences for being a good person?
Yet, I still can't help feeling like this is my fault. Like maybe there's something I could have done different or better. Who knows.
I got to bed at 1:30 a.m. and barely slept. I woke up real early this morning and didn't have the motivation to go back to sleep. I certainly couldn't handle laying there with just my thoughts, so I got up. Now I'm tired but going back to bed frightens me. It's been so long since I felt this way, and I told myself it would never happen again, yet here it is.
And I know there are so many other people in the world going through this right now, and it makes me feel even more insignificant. I am just one tiny star in one tiny galaxy in a sky filled with trillions of galaxies. And so are you. I guess we are all insignificant.

Being hurt

It's easy to say that you have general goodwill to everyone and that you forgive everyone who hurts you. But when someone actually hurts you, it becomes harder to maintain that. It's harder to keep having a positive attitude, to keep being kind to everyone when you get hurt really bad. Especially if it's someone close to you, a loved one. Those ones hurt the worst, and take the longest to heal. Especially if they hurt you by breaking your trust.
Trust. It takes a lifetime to build it, and one moment to shatter it.
Sometimes people hurt you so bad that you can't stop crying and you just want to go to sleep and never wake up. But atleast have a dreamless sleep so you don't have flashbacks in your dreams of being hurt. How do you get over being hurt that bad? Do you just wait for it to fade? Just sit around feeling like dying until you kind of minutely feel like living?
Ugh. Truth is, someone close to me hurt me very badly. And truth is that I don't think anyone really cares because I am still pretty insignificant. But what else am I supposed to do but write when he did the two things that would hurt me the very most in the whole world that he promised he would never do? ...Ugh. I feel like my insides have been ripped out of me. Just add him to the list. Ugh. My heart broke. I think it disinigrated too. ....ugh...!
So what now? I'm listening to him go on about ridiculous things like a sewing machine and a place called "Citrus Heights" pretending that it's ok, but it's so not. And I don't really know when it will be ok. But atleast this one doesn't demand or expect forgiveness right away like the rest of people who've hurt me.
But I know what comes next, I get so tired of the pain and heartache that I just make myself not care anymore. I rebuild that wall that we worked so hard to break through. Going backwards in time, in progress. Ugh, this blog is sounding emo. I guess I have to write about every emotion: happiness, love, and now heartache. I hope I survive this one.