Dedicated to exes..

The facebook status box asks "What's on your mind?"
What can I say? I long to type your name.  The name that inspired so many songs and poems.  The name that offered comfort on cold lonely nights.  The name that now causes pain like a knife stabbing through my heart.  The name that now reminds me of what we had, what you did, and what I miss. I go through all the processes that are typical of grieving a lost relationship: wondering what went wrong and how it all changed so quickly.  Wondering why you did what you did and if I will ever find out. 

I thought I had closure and I would be able to get over it relatively quickly.. until you pulled that last move.  You had stabbed the knife in, now you had to twist it and yank it out, abandoning me to bleed, just like all the rest.

That dream I had about you early on was dead on the spot.  The one where you abandoned me naked and alone in a field?  I should have paid attention because that's exactly how it happened.  You gave me all sense of love and security.  Two days after you said you were in it for the long run, you abandoned me.  It would have been a mutual break up and relatively easy for me to get over until you deleted me from your life completely right after you had said you wanted to remain friends.  We decided we would see what would happen when I got home from this journey, but I knew I didn't want that and neither did you.  But I was satisfied to keep your friendship.  You said you were too, but apparently not.

And now I'm left with this emptiness in my heart that no boy around me will bother to fill quite yet.  And every song, every smell, every glance in the mirror reminds me of fond memories... late nights on the phone, whispered wishes of meeting up again at home, etc... Now, even though I know you're not right for me, in fact you are wrong for me, and I'm not right for you either... even though I know we made the right choice... that doesn't stop me from missing you, and.... us.


Nothing in the world hurts more than a broken heart.  And it's funny that I'm listening to the same song now that I was listening to while I blogged about my love for the boy before you.  He still holds a fond place in my heart too.  But you?  No, I thrust you out like a bad taste.  Atleast he and I broke it off with dignity.  But you.. you delt with it like a petty tween. 

I got so much satisfaction from ripping up your letters.  Pure lies.  I felt so released as I ripped them up and tossed them in the dumpster with the rest of the garbage.  And I feel release writing this out.  You may never see it, but atleast I got to have my last say.  The say that you promised me eternity and gave me a month.  That you confided fears that I would break your heart when really you were planning that for me.  Sure, you didn't really break my heart.  We weren't together long enough for that.  But it still hurts, and I'm lonely without someone to call me baby.

And I know that after tonight, my designated grieving time will be over, and I will get over you.  But for now, it will start that process when I admit:
I wish it had never gone wrong.  I wish we were right.  I wish we could work out.  I wish you were good enough for me.  I wish I had never given in to your lies.  I wish I had never given you my heart.  You took everything from me, stripped me bare, and then abandoned me.  Screw you, not the good kind. 

And you weren't a very good boyfriend anyways.  You pressured me, and you were unsupportive of my dreams and wishes.  You manipulated me.  I wish I would have broken it off a week earlier when I knew it was time to let you go.

All that said, I feel free.  I feel like you were shackles that had me chained down, and now I'm let out of them.  Yes, I'm a little sore in the places where the shackles grasped me too tightly, but those are just flesh wounds, and they will heal soon.  And you will soon be just another boyfriend I once had, long forgotten, no longer cared for. 

So, I set you free.  Fly to better things.  I know I will.  :)

screw...

Sometimes.  You just need to say... SCREW YOU.  Like sometimes you just can't stand people or how they treat you or what happens between you, and you just have to say screw you all.  Screw you and screw her too.

And when you can't stand someone anymore, but you still love them... just say, "Screw you," and walk away.

I really don't know how else to deal with it when someone I love constantly frustrates me.  I don't know how else to deal with feelings I have that I know I shouldn't have.  That's why my favorite phrase is becoming,
"Screw you."