Fallen.

In Book of Mormon class on Friday, Brother Wightman told us that we are fallen.  He said that is often hard for his students to accept the fact that we are all fallen.  That’s not the problem I had.  I am all too aware of my faults and shortcomings.  I often feel full of regret for my past that’s already been forgiven.  I beat myself up over mistakes I make.  My life feels like a constant screw up because I just can’t be perfect no matter how hard I try.  No matter how hard I try not to sin, I still do.

When Brother Wightman said that, I thought especially of my attitude and actions during this first week of school.  I’ve been a little cold to people, not because I don’t like them.  And it’s not because I don’t like being surrounded by Mormons; I love that.  It’s because of expectation-failure, like Brother Wightman talked about the very first day.  I expected everyone around me to be so much better, and I especially expected that I would be a better then I am.  I feel a little bit like maybe I’m not good enough to be here, but then I think that most of the people around me aren’t either. 

Then I remember either Brother Wightman or another teacher saying that if you feel like everyone around you is hypocritical or not as good as they could be, take comfort in knowing that everyone around you is trying their best to be the best they can be.  I do see that for sure.  But I wonder if I am trying my best.  I’m probably not.  I know I could serve my roommates more.  It’s just so hard to face rejection, but at the fireside on Sunday, they said we should lose ourselves in service because if we do, we will forget ourselves and find happiness. 

And when it comes down to it, I really am selfish.  I don’t serve people just because it’s the right thing to do, I do it because I need to feel needed.  But who can really point fingers right now anyways?  We are all in the same boat.  We’ve never been away from home before; some of us have never had to share a room with someone before.  And we’re all trying to figure out how we can make this whole thing work.  That said, if anyone can recognize they are fallen, I can.  Without Christ, I would be no better off than a demon.  I try to tell myself I’m doing my best, but when it comes down to it I can get really down sometimes because I know it will never be enough.

That’s where Christ comes in.  When I was a young girl, I wanted a horse more than anything.  I saved money from when I was 5 years old until I was 11 years old.  I wanted a horse that was $2,000, and I had saved up only $1,500.  My parents gave me the other $500.  That’s like how it is with Christ, but with him, I am trying so very hard to earn that money that my soul is bleeding from the effort, and yet I have only earned $1.  He wants to pay the other $1,995. Can you imagine?  My parents would have never done that deal.  But Christ would.  No one would.  But Christ would.  It really just makes me feel guiltier because I know I never did anything to deserve Christ’s love and grace.  But I guess that’s how he teaches us about true love and grace.  He doesn’t expect perfection in return; He just expects our best.  But if he expected something else in return, I would imagine it would be faith and a strong testimony.  I have those forever strong.